Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
