I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
