he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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