At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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