He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
