thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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