I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
