We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
