Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
