also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
