I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
