I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
