omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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