You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
