This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
