we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
