Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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