Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
third nipple confirmed
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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