Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.