Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful