Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.