how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
