so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
