The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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