Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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