I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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