i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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