never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
