It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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