Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
