I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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