you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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