He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
