70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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