1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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