We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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