it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
