I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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