just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just high enough for therapy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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