Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
