Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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