party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
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