I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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