OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
