last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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