I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
