pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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