Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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