people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
