I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
