He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
