I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
