Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
