Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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