A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
