Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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