I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
