Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
