When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
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The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
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I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups