Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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